I don't get test anxiety, at least not for school-type tests. Math tests, SATs, essay tests ... I'm fine with all of that stuff.
Roller derby tests, on the other hand, freak me right out. I'm not a natural athlete; I've never tried out for a team. I guess the closest thing (that I've done before) to minimum skills testing, or the team tryouts that popped up this week, would be theater auditions. And those always freaked me out too.
I think what really gets to me is the idea that I'm going to be judged on a snapshot of performance. That, and I simply don't have the kind of confidence in my physical skills that I have in my mental ability. I know I'm smart. But in derby, I feel like a special ed kid.
Anyway, tonight at scrimmage Brick was taking notes on how we all did. She was looking for offensive and defensive blocks, communication, and I don't know what all else (she said, but I don't remember). All I can say is that I skated my ass off tonight, and I did my best. I tried really hard to listen and to pay attention to what was going on around me. I did get in some good defensive blocks, but (and here's what freaks me out about this) who can say if anyone was watching when I did them.
Ugh. I need to just put this out of my mind. It's not like I'm trying to get put on the A team (the SMASH Unit). I'm not at that level. I know it, and so does everyone else. I just want to be a Dis-Orderly.
There's more testing on Saturday. I'll be glad when it's done. I don't mean to be negative. This stuff just stresses me out.